The Bean Incident

 

Back in his younger days, Rurp Hardman was known for his terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. Unfortunately, eating beans always caused Rurp a great deal of embarrassment in mixed company, for back then he had an eye for the ladies, and he was understandably concerned about what they thought of him. His concern was more than justified, as the reaction of his body to baked beans was swift and terrible to behold.

One day Rurp met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they were destined for a more intimate relationship, he realized that his new-found love might be embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans. Soon his attentions to the Lady began to supercede his climbing adventures, and there was talk of a trip to Las Vegas to tie the knot.

Not long afterward, returning from a brief climbing trip after soloing the Salathé Wall in Yosemite Valley, Rurp was in route to his girlfiend's house for dinner when his car broke down. Fortunately, he was within a few miles of home so he decided to leave his car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided that he should call his girlfriend to tell her that he would be late for dinner. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had a couple of miles to go, and he decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of beans.

Even as Rurp left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He jet-assisted up a hill, then poot-pooted down the other side. He blasted along the straight aways and befouled the alleys. Birds fell out of the sky and foliage wilted at his approach. As he drew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness of his flatulance diminished greatly, the green cloud above him dissipated, and he felt reasonably safe. However, just as he reached home, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency.

As Rurp waited just outside his front door, preparing to release one last effort, his girlfriend threw open the door and excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you." She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and off she went to answer the phone.

When she had gone, Rurp quickly seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one cheek, and ripped a loud one. It was not only deafening, but as ripe as a rotten egg and wetter than a Colorado thunderstorm. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin off his lap and began to fan the air about him. He had just started feeling better when he felt another urge. This time he raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the opposite cheek and let fly. This was the prize-winner - a world-class ripper. It rattled the windows, shook the dishes on the table, and a minute later all the flowers adorning the center of the table were dead.

Making sure to keep one ear on the chatter in the hallway, Rurp continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away the green mist each time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end to the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his girlfriend returned to the room. Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing a slew of dinner guests seated around the table - Scanlon, Haas, Nightcrawler, Grover, the Kid, and all the rest. Once anxious for his surprise birthday party to begin, they now sat aghast with tears in their eyes, their appetitites for the birthday feast having dissipated faster than the wet mist surrounding them!

Hardened by this experience, Rurp returned to his old ways. Needless to say, his relationship with the Lady did not last much longer.