Taoism:
Shit happens.

Confucianism:
Confucious say, "Shit happens".

Buddhism:
If shit happens, it is not really shit.

Zen Buddhism:
What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism:
This shit happened before.

Islam:
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Protestantism:
Let shit happen to someone else.

Catholicism:
If shit happens, you deserved it.

Judaism:
Why does shit always happen to us?

Evangelism:
The shit is coming.

New Age:
No shit in the hereafter.

Existentialism:
I shit, therefore I am.